my dad

Im not sure my blog is the place for this but its ny blog and it is whatever my life wants it to be. Today my dad died. Im still waiting for it to hit me. Maybe it wont. My life is the typical drug addicted separated parents who later got cleaned and married leaving my life riddled with half, step and unknown about siblings. Also with step parents. Mine is more of the snowwhite variety. (She would off me with an apple if she could) so the past 3 years my own dad kept himself from my life because he didn't want to ruffle her feathers while he died. He came over about 5the months ago and met his grand children. A small man I didn't even recognize. Then nothing. Then he died. And I don't know when its gunna hit me. Maybe it wont. Maybe I wont cry and feel alone. Cause he has been dead in a since for a long time. I don't want the sad time to be masked by my anger towards my step mom because she is now alone, by alone I mean with het kids that got to spend the rest of my dads life with him while I was asked to not call him. Im sure if I would have shown up on his porch everyday they would have eventually let me in. But I shouldn't have had to beg. My kids are to young to understand, about him dieing and him even being alive, and for that I am thankful because they didn't need to feel abandoned either. Or to be under appreciated next to step cousins who got to enjoy their grandpa. Im really not sure it will ever hit me. But before he was forbidden to see me he was my dad. HE showed up on Christmases and sometimes birthdays. When I was 4 he showed up with some girl and had me paint my name on his truck with finger nail polish. When I was 6 he got sober and threw me a party (in feburary) for my birthday. When I was 214 he walked me down the aisle, telling me I could turn and run and he would cover me the whole way down. I have some good memories that I will tell my kids when the ask about their grandpa, I will keep locked inside the rest because they will no longer have the power to make me feel like me being here is wrong. I love you dad and the dad you were when you wanted to be my dad will be missed.