Im back and Coraline

So for the last few weeks it has been party after party and for some reason I have an aversion to posting all the projects that I make... I will work on that! Yesterday we went to the coolest Candy Land birthday party ever! (Isnt that an amazing theme) They had a balloon lady there who was incredible and she did neat face painting too! I didnt take a pictures of the Coraline Dress Up outfit I made miss Maddy but I will have here mom send me a picture. But I did make my first doll! I dont Do patterns, So I made if up as I went along. Minus the face painting (I think I might YouTube how to stitch faces)

I think she turned out pretty darn cute. Here is a picture of my first one I made. I totally think I might put them in my Etsy shop (Which I finally made a logo for) My goal this week is to get all my mounting piles of stuff on there.

AND look who finally decided to participate in swim lessons! Yup third times the charm!
He spent the first 15 minutes then I said "Colton, you get in there and try and we can go get the Captain America movie" He hopped right off the wall and has been fine since... Grr kids lol... and Brooklyn takes swim so serious they are trying to switch her to a more advanced class (She feels pretty proud about that!)

And I got my nephew for 5 days and that was amazing.
It breaks my heart when he talks about my brother though, but he seems to really be doing ok with it. He didnt want to leave which makes me happier still. It was alot of funny having the 5 of them together. And promptly after words Danger decided he would start having seizures again... a moms life is never in break mode for long :(

A privet look into our life

I wish this was a crafting post. I wish it was filled with party plans and detailed. I wish it had pictures of a 9 year old girl giggling with her friends and her brothers and sister. I wish I was given the chance to share her with you. I was 18 when I peed on that stick my third week into my first semester at collage. I was 18 when I got to tell me boyfriends ready or not we were going to be parents. It was scary and thrilling and we were surprisingly ok with it. Our parents not so much but by 4 months they were showering us with baby trinkets and happy grandma pictures. I didnt smoke, I didnt drink, I didnt do drugs. I was healthy I was a runner. I was a great student. So when the blood work came back that something wasnt adding up the doctor didnt even bat an eye telling us. She said it was more common then not and there was nothing .... not a thing to worry about. In fact it was reading more like there was a twin she didnt see. They were in no hurry for us to go in for the ultra sound. So we waited till after the holiday to go in. We waited untill January 18th to go in. My step mom drove me up to Emanuele, mike was going to come up after he got off work. We chatted and drank coffee. They called us back into a really really small room and I hopped up onto the table. The nurse chatted at me about school and how I was liking it and we chatted for about 10 minutes. Then she stopped talking. Not a word. I was begging her to tell me whet was wrong. All she could say was we would have to wait for the doctor to get in. I laided back on that table eyes shut praying harder then I knew was possible for 55 minutes while she took pictures and measurements. 55 Minutes untill the doctor walked in and they stepped aside whispering. The tears poured down my face. I knew it was bad. Really bad. The doctor sat down and looked at everyrhing.
She turned on the part where you can hear the heart beat. I heard the heart beat. I still hear the heart beat. She asked me to look at the screen and that is where she showed me the hole in our babies heart and how it was pumping the wrong way. I couldnt breath. She suggested we do an amnio to know for sure what we were dealing with. It was the longest needle I had ever seen. And it hurt. They walked me to an office and then mike got there. Exspecting good news... because every single person said we had nothing to worry about. He knew as soon as he saw me. They said a lot of things while we were there. My brain didnt hear most of it. My baby had a hole in her heart that would require open heart surgery minutes after she was born, that is assuming she even made it that far. The ultra sound pictures showed a tiny hand and two feet. One Two Three Four Five Six. I have counted those toes a million time since that day. The 6 toes meants our baby had Trisomy 13. A death sentence for any child diagnosed with it because they dont live long. But there was more. The spinal cord wasnt forming right either and there was an issue with the placenta. The concern went from the baby to me when they realized if I went into labor at home I would be in big trouble. They asked if we had questions. I dont remember saying anything. I was so numb. I was so lost and I was praying so hard. It was like the weight of the world was sitting on my chest. We couldnt do anything untill we got the test back. We went home. We cried... a lot. We stopped talking to each other or anyone. I couldnt talk or breath or.... When they called us back we went in to decide what we were going to do. They gave me the options and the probabilities. The chance that this baby wouldnt make it to term were almost guaranteed. The immediate heart surgery would be fallowed by years of repeat surgies if we got past the first one... again not promising the baby would be strong enough for the first one. Spinal surgery would be next if the baby made it. Children with Trisomy 13 dont live very long, and that is with no other complication. The doctor had never seen this bad of a situation, in 25 years in the department. The likly hood she would live more then a few minutes if that was about all the hope they gave us. I was 19. I was forced to make a dission I would have to live with the rest of my life. I was scared and mad and so so so sad. I do not regret the choice I made. I spent 28 hours on a potocin induced pregnancy. I pushed for 10 minutes. I watched them carry that tiny baby from my room. I did the only motherly option I had, I took any pain my child would have had away by scraficing my own heart. We didnt know at the time that it was a baby girl we didnt want to know. but as I lay there for the first time in a room not full of people I asked the nurse if it was a boy or girl. Lucy Faith was silently born February 4th at 6 month 22days. All I have to remember her is box in our bedroom closet with a picture of her tiny feet in and a dress she was dressed in and a certificate with her tiny foot prints. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. and a giant missing piece from my heart.

'Ello 2012!!

I'm not sure if there was another person on earth who was as happy as I was to see 2011 end! It was so crazy and horrible from January to December that I totally wanted to skip ahead in time around June. But now that 2012 is here I am going to make the most of it!! Thats right I paid my dues to Karama and this year is destained to be amazing. So I think I'm going to start off with some resolutions... well lets call them goals because I work better under pressure :)

1. I want to loose 30lbs before my 10 year reuinon (which to be honest I probally wont even go to but just incase... like I said I work better under pressure)

2. I want to clean up my craft room and get it oraganized for some serious me space!

3. I want to get all this stuff I made on my Etsy store and I want it to sell. I want to be doing well enough on there that I can let go of this kid I baby sit... my sanity will be my deadline on this one!

4. I want to get my little kids reading. I know that might seem like a big goal but by September I want my daughter to start Kindergarten reading, and to be honest its her goal so im sure her insistance will get us there.

5. I want to spend the whole year inspiring and lifting up my friends and family. This might seem odd but the responce I had from my 27 day challenge was AMAZING!! (This one is also for selfish reason to because I am addicted to the way making other people happy makes me feel inside, and I guess its a truely happy feeling!) I have found some really great sites online that I have booked marked and plan to share with you as the year goes by. There are some truely selfless people out there and thei are so inspiring!

6. I will stop swearing. Lately it has been almost everthing I say and I need to nixs that right out of my life!

7. I want to learn to knit and croche, and I plan to learn on youtube so wish me luck!

8. I want to take more pictures of my kids doing kid things, because I realized there is alot of stuff we do I would love to pull out pictures and remind them about.

9. I want to make more time for me. I often give my husband full days out of the house away from everything but I NEVER let my self have that kinda time, and this was one I wanted last year but once again I ended up neglecting me, so this year imagunna do it :)

10. I want to make time for husband wife night. We use to always be on the same page and im worried we might be drifting apart and Im not going to let the love of my life slip away, so I think we owe it to us to spend as much time reminding each other why we love each other as possible, so please pass on any date night ideas you have!

So that is the official start to the year for me. I hope I remebemer to come back through out the year to remind my self of the things I want to accomplish and maybe let you know how they are going.

How do you keep yourself on track for youre resolutions for more then just the first two days ?

Merry Christmas... and happy birthday to me!!

Oh my this month has just been crashing down around me. I did a wonderful challenge with my friends with some amazing good deeds that were done. Challenging them to make the last 27 days of me being 27 a random acts of kindness over load.. and over loaded with awesomeness it was! We had a steller nutcracker birthday party...


the fallowing day my big brother took his own life :(....
that pretty much put a giant hault in everything else of grandness that I had planned for the month. My head was and still is in a fog.. I keep sitting down then forgetting what I am doing or what I have done. We had a VERY VERY SMALL cookie party because we had already had plans for it and figured the kids needed to be around people who were happy since we have been so so sad.It was a nice gathering of our close friends and it was a happy time
Brooklyn has her first ballet recital. Which was so cute and she was so so excited! after words we went out to dinner .. because we all deserved a treat.

. We threw my side of the family christmas dinner and that was very very somber. Each day we keep getting better but loosing someone like my brother was a very hard and very unexspected blow. I didnt take the time when making christmas gifts to blog about them or make tutorials but I have lots of picture that I will upload soon. For christmas my hunny got me a new super awesome mixer... oh yeah look for baking madness to over take my blog here shortly. And then for my birthday, which was yesterday (the 27th ) I got a serger. Yeah for sergers... but to be honest it scares me so Im just going to look at in sitting in the box imagening all the wonderfullness that Im going to make with it :) Well I better get back to cleaning up from out crazy christmas but I will leave you with a glimps of cuteness
Christmas morning! Look at those cute matching PJ pants and New hoods I made.. oh and those happy kids!

baby dress up so cute!

My best friend making christmas wrapping awesome!

With 4 kids santa had to put the tree in a new spot to get all the gifts around it


My birthday gifts

Last 27 days of being 27... amazing news!

Today was one of those days where I didnt want to get out of bed because of the dream I had was so good. Taking me back to when things were simple and my plate was almost empty and my friends list was a mile long. I miss those days sometimes.. not that I dont love my life but I miss those days when I didnt have to be anything to anyone and could be anyone to everyone. But I wake up late for school with pack backs and lunches to get ready and grumpy kids to boot. I was having a bad morning, on the verge of tears, just not a good morning. Putting that I need a change song on repeat

One Thing I Know
Randy Rogers Band
Woke up today and things had changed.
The man I’ve become just ain’t the same.
Wanted to run but there was just nowhere to go.
Living in a dream world, praying it don’t show.

Cause who I am, is who you want me to be
But I’m having a hard time, finding me.
Well take my hand darling, won’t you let me go
Gotta do this by myself, that’s one thing I know.

Living my life on low-fuel,
Telling myself that I’m a damn fool.
All of my friends up in Fort Worth tell me how I’m brave,
Little do you know I almost lost it yesterday.

Cause who I am, is who they want me to be
But I’m having a hard time, finding me.
Well take my hand darling, won’t you let me go
Gotta do this by myself, that’s one thing I know.

I’ve got these demons on my trail.
Crazy and messed up, but no one else can tell…
Cause who I am, is who you want me to be
But I’m having a hard time, finding me.
Well take my hand darling, won’t you let me go
Gotta do this by myself, that’s one thing I know.

Gotta do this all alone, that’s one thing I know.

Those bold lines are the ones that echo in my head sometimes. So I preped for Brooklyns party, got list ready for the cookie party, ended up with a friends kid for the afternoon, the got double daycare kids and then no one paid me today... UGHHHHHHHHH ... then I got a facebook message from someone on my list. This woman is truely an awesome person. She always leave me sweet comments and like my crafty habits I share and she has taken my Late 27 days of 27 challenge to heart. She has donated her time and money and brought glove and blankets to the needy. But today she reminded me that even tho my day is sucky and sometimes I look at my life and feel like I am doing crazy inside myself all the time, there is people worse off and I need to count my blessing. There is a man at her work with a sick wife and 2 kids, and this has been really hard on them this year. Because of my challenge she and her husband gave their holiday bonuses to this man. I honestly cried at her generosity. We all have our off days, but from now on I will wake up with my alarm clock and count those 4 little heart beats that keep me going. Im blessed and I pray that Leah and her her husband are blessed for their random act of unbelievable kindness. And that that man has a small weight lifted off his shoulders and is able to see all he does have even when times are tough.

Our Elf on our shelf... and day 1 recap of my last 27 days

Santa sent the kids a great big box filled with a very small elf, who we decided doesn't go on a shelf! (wow I just made our cookie party invites and im all Seuss-ish) Anyways my kids woke up to a package and inside was an elf I had picked up last year on clearance to do elf on the shelf with (we considered buying the book and the elf but at $30 a pop... not a chance and Milton (our elf complete with letter from Santa) is so much cute! And as an added bonus, Milton had a few brothers in the clearance bin with him to I snagged extra encase he wanders off (or becomes a puppy snack) We also started our advent calendar a day late. We have a really nice wooden house that we fill each night because my kids can not refrain from opening the door. Their newest rationalization is it fills each night because Santa is magic (because he went to Hogwarts.... yeah my kids are the biggest nerds I know) So here is Miss Brooklyn with her newest best friends Milton!




On another note day 1 of my last 27 days of being 27 was great! I realized I will be over my 27 planned Random acts of kindness quicker then 1 a day so Im hoping now to get some where around 100 in :) and one of the best parts is that I have lots of facebook friends accepting my challenge and doing awesome stuff too!
#1 I helped an old lady carry out her dog food at the dog food store
#2 I donated all the cash (I only had $3 but its better then a frappachinno) I had to a dog food drive they were having.
(I surprised my cousin and the ladies she works with the Starbucks, but I didnt count that one)
#3 I left change on all the pay phones at the supermarket we shop at because I always see people on them and I was hoping maybe it would inspire someone who really needed to call someone to pick up the phone and call,
And I did it on the way into the store, on the way out of the store this couple stopped me and said they had watched me put the money up there and they said I was really inspiring and it made them feel so good to see someone doing something like that... the promised to keep my 27 days of good deeds going!

last 27 days of being 27

Someone once told me that your golden year is when your birth age and day are the same. My birthday is december 27th and I turned 27. Disappointingly this year has been pretty sucky (mostly October but the whole year didnt really pan out either..) I have actually spent more time in the last few days, more then I should probably blog about, thinking about the golden year concept. First off I would like to point out that im sorry for people born on the 1st! My poor cousin was born on the first, of April to boot, but she wears her birthday with pride (and often a stuffy nose) Second I dont want to look back on my 'Golden year' and all I see is faded bronze, so I have decided to change life's plan and make my own Goldenness appear! While trolling Pinterest (like the addict I am) I came across this blog post. I was very inspired by her compassion and selflessness. So I have decided that for the last 27 days of being 27 I would like to preform 27 random acts of kindness, one a day more if I come across a random opportunity to do one. Here is perhaps the best part of my whole concept, I would like to challenge everyone to do the same. The holiday giving season is already in the air and I would like to have you help me pass it around. There are lots of great ideas on the Internet and tomorrow I will link up to some of my favorites. In the mean time, I challenge you to open your eyes to the world around us and for the next 27 days pass on as many random acts of kindness as you possibly can!



And because I cant help by share our skipping school for the day adventure, we ditched and went and saw old st.nick!!

Poor Danger

My life has been turned upside down alot this October. I wish I could shut my eyes and just turn it off, maybe a short vacation from reality. Today we had to get a EEG done on Danger. He had two seizures in the last two weeks. Im not a patient person, so not being able to know if they learned anything from the test today is really stressing me out. Googling things doesnt help. It only makes it much worse, you want to know what else makes it worse, when something you say that doesnt seem important sparks something in the doctor (or technicians) eyes. Night Terrors. Danger has been starting them the last few months. His sister had them from 9 months to 3 years, and only every now and again now. He perked up as soon as I casually mentioned it. That didnt help, and google didnt help. Now im waiting. We have to go in for an MRI on Tuesday. Part of me really wants an answer because seeing my baby have a seizure is by far the worst thing I have ever seen in my life, but I also dont want the answer to be bad news. We have been so lucky with our 4 kids. They all have little things wrong but nothing Major. Nothing that would make you stop in the middle of the store and just start crying for. All I know if I feel like life is just running on and dragging me behind it. I suddenly feel like I have no control over anything. I know its more likely that it will turn out that nothing is wrong, but I cant stop remembering when EVERY SINGLE PERSON told me that our first pregnancy would be fine, because "those blood tests always come back false positive" EVERY SINGLE ONE was wrong. Then when Brother Bear wouldnt talk, He wasnt find like EVERY ONE said he had a speech disorder, which they just recently diagnosed as Aspergers. When EVERY ONE keeps saying sister is fine, when you look at her in toeing and crippling toes and KNOW shes not. I just feel like im the only one who doesnt get the "false positive" and the crappy thing is I know there are parents out there fighting for their children to live though and incurable disease and im all wacked out and I dont even know anything yet. Thank you blogger for letting me say this out loud, well in my head but my fingers are saying it because I feel like if I open my mouth im letting life keep moving and Im to scared to fallow it not knowing the answers. I think I need a drink :)

my dad

Im not sure my blog is the place for this but its ny blog and it is whatever my life wants it to be. Today my dad died. Im still waiting for it to hit me. Maybe it wont. My life is the typical drug addicted separated parents who later got cleaned and married leaving my life riddled with half, step and unknown about siblings. Also with step parents. Mine is more of the snowwhite variety. (She would off me with an apple if she could) so the past 3 years my own dad kept himself from my life because he didn't want to ruffle her feathers while he died. He came over about 5the months ago and met his grand children. A small man I didn't even recognize. Then nothing. Then he died. And I don't know when its gunna hit me. Maybe it wont. Maybe I wont cry and feel alone. Cause he has been dead in a since for a long time. I don't want the sad time to be masked by my anger towards my step mom because she is now alone, by alone I mean with het kids that got to spend the rest of my dads life with him while I was asked to not call him. Im sure if I would have shown up on his porch everyday they would have eventually let me in. But I shouldn't have had to beg. My kids are to young to understand, about him dieing and him even being alive, and for that I am thankful because they didn't need to feel abandoned either. Or to be under appreciated next to step cousins who got to enjoy their grandpa. Im really not sure it will ever hit me. But before he was forbidden to see me he was my dad. HE showed up on Christmases and sometimes birthdays. When I was 4 he showed up with some girl and had me paint my name on his truck with finger nail polish. When I was 6 he got sober and threw me a party (in feburary) for my birthday. When I was 214 he walked me down the aisle, telling me I could turn and run and he would cover me the whole way down. I have some good memories that I will tell my kids when the ask about their grandpa, I will keep locked inside the rest because they will no longer have the power to make me feel like me being here is wrong. I love you dad and the dad you were when you wanted to be my dad will be missed.